


Idle

by TheSwingbyJeanHonoreFragonard



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Teachers, Bad First Dates, Character Study, Comedy, First Dates, M/M, Mild Language, POV First Person, Slice of Life, Stream of Consciousness, inner speech
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:00:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21957043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSwingbyJeanHonoreFragonard/pseuds/TheSwingbyJeanHonoreFragonard
Summary: All thoughts. Head full.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21





	Idle

I’ve been on plenty of dates before but this one, by far, is the worst.

No… Well, worst isn’t the best word to use here. My god, I’ve been on _worse_. Like that time my grad school friends set me up with Chanyeol. (‘His family’s got a little bit of money, Johnny,’ they said.) Now that was a bad date. I still wake up in cold sweats. Oof. And that time Taeyong set me up with Doyoung? (‘He’s super amazing with computers,’ he said.) That was an absolutely horrendous date.

But this date in particular is... boring.

Which is probably even worse than a bad date. 

It’s awful. Shitty, even.

I’d rather have a bad date than a boring date because a bad date you can turn into a story to tell your friends. A boring date is a waste. 

I feel like I’m stuck in a trap or some shit. All my limbs feel tied down but the guy is sitting on the other side of the table from me. Not even touching me. I feel like there’s no escape even though the door to the cafe is _right over there_ and nothing is standing between it and me. What sucks is that I was kind of looking forward to this. This Jaehyun guy is the first dude to be interested in a date with me in weeks. (Months, if I’m being honest.) Haven’t had the time to date since this past summer and I think it’s making me a little stir crazy. Now that the school year has really kicked back in, I don’t have the time to do anything but work. It doesn’t help that the school director’s making changes to the curriculum and creating new academic policies so it’s basically like all of us teachers have to brew every syllabus and lesson plan and quiz from scratch. In fact, I should be at the house right now putting the finishing touches on an exam my students are taking tomorrow.

But...

I just sit here. I just sit and stare across the table at Jaehyun because _what else can I do_? 

He hasn’t said a word! 

And part of me wants to get up, grab my coat and leave him with the bill because this isn’t going well for either of us but the other part of me is curious to see how long it’ll take for this dude to say something. For him to _initiate conversation_.

Damn. 

It’s not like he’s disinterested. 

He looks at me, meets my eyes, randomly smiles. Mouths the lyrics to the pop songs playing through the cafe speakers. He doesn’t seem to be fidgeting with nervousness or anything. I mean, it’s not like he’s mentally checked out. Minus the bouncing of his right knee, he hardly moves. He’s chilling. Leaning all the way back in his chair, almost as if this kind of thing is normal for him. As if this breed of agonizing quiet is _expected_ when you’re with him. 

Sometimes, he bites his bottom lip and then he sucks in a breath like he’s about to speak but then he _doesn’t_ speak and I have to fight the urge to roll my eyes.

But I guess I’m not much better. The only thing I’ve said to him is that my name is Johnny.

Can you blame me, though? I fully expected him to at least start up a conversation since, apparently, he’d been the one who wanted to meet up in the first place. Taeyong had been so excited to introduce the two of us, saying shit like, _He saw you with me at the game the other month and he’s been dropping hints ever since_ . Or, _Come on, Johnny, you’ve spent the whole break grading papers and mocking up exams so just let loose a little._ Or, his favorite line, _He’s a P.E. teacher!_

And, by themselves, Taeyong’s reasons don’t amount to anything. Our school has a strong tennis team. 90th percentile strong. One of the only athletic things our school’s got going for us with our hit-and-miss soccer team, crap basketball team, steadily declining volleyball team, middling baseball team and on-the-verge-of-disbanding archery club. Tennis is a fun sport to watch. It’s not unheard of for me to go to most of the matches. Well, that and our ace player Jisung is also in my class so I feel like I have to support him. Secondly, I did spend the majority of the fall break working but when you’re a teacher, working through your breaks kind of comes with the territory. Especially when you’re haunted by the fact that some of the kids you teach might very well be smarter than you. Lastly, it’s not like I have a thing for P.E teachers or anything. It’s just that when you’re booksmart and clumsy and can’t jog a kilometer on the treadmill without feeling like you’re about to die, you naturally become enamored by people who aren’t just athletic but physically _talented_.

And apparently this Jaehyun guy is talented. Not just as a teacher but as an athlete in his own right with a case full of trophies in his office to prove it. (I’m taking Taeyong’s word here. I’ve never been to Jaehyun’s office. Let alone his school.)

But as I sit across from Jaehyun, I can’t really spot any sign of such a pedigree. Nothing about his body language screams that he saw me in the bleachers at a tennis match and exhausted all of his interscholastic connections just to set up a date with me. No… He’s just sitting there.

I check my watch and try not to groan out loud. The two of us have been chilling in silence for about five minutes straight!

The minutes have been dragging by. It honestly feels like we’ve been sitting here an hour.

This is… painful. At the top of the list of painful experiences along with sitting through a bad movie. Or going to a restaurant a friend recommended only for the food to put you on the toilet half the night. This date is painful like yanking too hard on a hangnail and ripping off more skin than you bargained for and needing to go get the alcohol swabs and bandages to stop the bleeding.

I’d rather he be overly chatty like Doyoung. Flooding my ears with conversation topics I know nothing about and care absolutely zilch for. (‘How do you not know about this, Johnny?’ ‘This is common knowledge, Johnny.’ ‘Well, maybe if you watch the news…’)

I’d rather he be like Chanyeol, wanting to know everything about me but telling me fucking nothing about himself. (‘Johnny, you’re so _fascinating_.’)

But Jaehyun isn’t Doyoung or Chanyeol. He’s Jaehyun. So he sits there. Breathing in and out. Readjusting his Balenciaga cap. Toying with the fine, silver bracelets on his left wrist.

We’re sitting close enough to the shop’s front window that I can see my reflection in the glass. I tried to dress casual but I still feel like I _look_ like a teacher. It must be one of those things you just can’t shake. My hair curls up like the cute brown fur of a poodle when I wash it so that’s what it looks like now. All temporary curls and fluffy volume. Combined with my thick-rimmed glasses and my blue dress shirt and tie, it all probably makes me look like a nerd. A pushover.

Maybe I should have put contacts in instead of wearing the glasses. Took the time to dry my hair properly so it wouldn’t curl up like this. 

But part of me is glad I didn’t work too hard on a good first impression if this is how the date is going. I’d feel even worse if I’d put in effort only for it to be wasted like this.

I glance up at Jaehyun. He has his glass of iced coffee in one hand, straw in the other, swirling the ice so it makes that annoying scraping sound as he stirs. He’s just about emptied his drink, which means he’s about to start making that aggravating slurping noise with his straw where absolutely no liquid is being sucked up. But, right before he drinks the remaining dredges, he sits his cup down. Like he’s saving the last swallow for later. He looks up at me. He’s kind of half-smiling, like he just thought of something interesting that I might want to know, but instead of saying it out loud, he just chuckles to himself and runs a hand over his mouth like he’s trying to wipe away his grin.

The silence stretches on.

I hate it. I hate it. I want to go but I can’t go. I don’t want to stay but I’m staying. Fuck.

I’m getting a little peckish. Should I order something? Hmm. Nothing that’ll take too long to prepare. Nothing that’ll take too long to eat. I don’t really want to keep coming up with reasons to stick around. So… something quick and easy and fast? A slice of cake?

“Excuse me,” I say, but my voice is so taut from disuse that it cracks in half on the last syllable. The kind of thing my students would bust my balls about if it happened in class.

Jaehyun doesn’t look up. It’s almost as if he senses I’m not addressing him.

The barista at the counter, however, does look up and I order a slice of plain white cake.

I glance over at Jaehyun. He smirks a little. Raises his eyebrow in an ‘Ahh, so you _can_ speak?’ sort of way. But he makes no move to say anything himself.

It’s like we’re both waiting for the other to strike up conversation first. The longest, least dangerous game of chicken ever played.

To try and send him a message, I passive-aggressively sigh and reach for my drink on the table. It’s iced coffee. I don’t even like coffee, iced or otherwise, but Jaehyun bought it for me so I’m putting up with it. I toy with the straw using my tongue for a second before I take a sip. The smell is overwhelming and the taste is more bitter than I expected, even with all the melted ice, so I can only power through a gulp or two before I can’t take it anymore. I set the glass back down on the table and ease back into my chair.

Jaehyun moves. Slowly. He leans forward. Props his elbows up on his knees. Taps a finger on the table like he’s drumming out a languid beat.

Hold on. Did I leave my keys in the car? Not like… inside the car but dangling from the lock in the door? I’ve done that before. In too big of a rush. With too many things on my mind. God. Someone can _steal my car_ right now because I’m a--

Wait. No. 

My keys are in my pocket. Yeah. There they are. The odd, lopsided bulge of them juts out of the dark material of my slacks.

Crisis averted.

Hold on. I didn’t leave anything else in my car, did I? My phone’s on the table. If I shift to the side, I can feel my wallet in my back pocket. My watch is still on my wrist.

I didn’t bring anything else with me, did I? 

Oh yeah. That’s my jacket hanging off the back of the chair next to me. One of those red and black lumberjack plaid numbers. Taeyong bought it for me. It’s the only reason why I’d even wear red.

Right! I’m on a date. Right.

I look across the table at him. Actually pay attention to him.

He’s not a bad looking guy, which is a pleasant surprise. Taeyong teaches art so he can kind of see the beauty and the appeal where most sane people don’t see much of anything. But this Jaehyun guy is… actually good-looking. He’s got runway model looks. Sharp, rectangular jaw. Moisturized lips! (A rarity.) Broad shoulders. Dimples poke his cheeks when he smiles. Warm, honey-colored eyes. His thick biceps are stuffed beneath the sleeves of a t-shirt too thin for the chilly autumn day outside. He must feel me looking at him because he tilts his head back so that he can meet my gaze beneath the brim of his cap.

Jaehyun smirks. Faintly. But confidently. Sure of himself. _Yeah, of course you’re looking at me_. The eye contact goes longer than either of us expects. The tips of his ears go red with what might be shyness. But he still doesn’t say a damn word. He breaks the eye contact, suddenly finding the surface of the table between us more interesting.

I get war flashbacks to that terrible date with Doyoung. It was back in the spring and my allergies were starting to act up so I wasn’t feeling my best but Doyoung didn’t do much to make me feel better. He was the exact opposite of Jaehyun as a date. Doyoung was all about excessive, uncomfortable levels of eye contact. He clawed at every loose thread of conversation, not suffering any silence. Even to enjoy the food and breathe. 

Speaking of breathing, Doyoung was one of those open-mouth chewers. Gave me the heebeegeebees. 

But this isn’t a date with Doyoung. It’s a date with Jaehyun. He’s got nice hands, he does.

Is that a wedding band on his finger? Oh my-

No wait. My left is his right. Whew boy. That’s just a regular degular ring on his finger.

Damn. Why is my heart rate spiking? Do I _want_ him to be married?

Could I do that? Could I be a homewrecker?

I lean back so that my head is against the wall and I really give it some thought.

Could I date a married person?

One of my classmates did back in grad school. Have an affair, I mean. Then again, her husband was between jobs while the man she cheated on him with attended to the VIP customers at a luxury retail store. You gotta keep moving upward, I say.

But like… is that the life for me? Can I be the reason someone else cheats?

Lots to think about.

Hmm.

There’s this drama I watched over the summer about a woman who pretends to be married to prevent this young guy from hitting on her but, instead, he sees the ring as an invitation and asks her to have an affair with him. It’s crazy. And shouldn’t be romantic at all. But damn. It’s romantic. It’s TV. It’s pretend on two different levels. It’s made for our entertainment, plus no one was actually getting cheated on because she wasn’t actually married. It was all pretend. It was all one big lie. 

Could I do that? Not lie about being married. I mean… Could I have an affair? If Jaehyun’s married, could I… go through with it?

What if he’s got a child? I can’t do that to the kid. I can’t stir up their household and break apart their family. What if I have to start taking care of them? I’ve barely got the salary to support myself. Let alone share expenses with a partner _and_ raise a child. Gosh. Jaehyun’s a teacher as well. Since he teaches P.E., he’s more than likely employed by contract which means his income is even more tenuous than mine.

But if he can just casually shove his hair beneath a _Balenciaga_ cap, of all things, perhaps he doesn’t live paycheck to paycheck like I have to. He’s _got_ to have another gig on the side. Or is he really good at budgeting? There was that survey a few years back that proved that people will splurge on a branded item just to show off to others that they can afford a branded item, regardless of (or in spite of) their financial situation. Capitalism, man. Maybe I learned that tidbit from Doyoung? He was definitely full of random, weird factoids that he incorrectly assumed were ‘common knowledge.’

Holy fuck! 

What matches did our school play last month? What other high schools did we go up against? We had quite a few tennis games, if I recall. But… Shit. Does Jaehyun work for one of those rich kid academies? One of those established, private institutions?

I mean, blue bloods have to stretch and exercise too, right?

Goddamn.

That must mean Jaehyun’s paycheck...

Maybe I _should_ try to have an affair with him.

Wow. That’s really shallow of me.

But wait… I’ve already determined that he’s _not_ sporting a wedding ring. Why am I still thinking like we’re about to commit adultery and shack up somewhere? 

Come on, Johnny. Get it together!

I sit up off the wall and shake my head a little to dislodge the uncanny line of thinking from my gray matter. 

I reacquaint myself with the real world. My surroundings. My actual situation. 

The cafe is small. Kind of kitschy. Trying too hard to be Instagram-cute but instead being a little obnoxious and tacky with the decor. There’s only about twelve or so other tables and only about three or four other customers despite it being the middle of the day on a Sunday. In other words, it’s the perfect environment for quiet, easy, intimate conversation. But only in an ideal world.

Really, I’ll accept any kind of conversation at this point. I’ll answer all of the questions about myself.

Come on, Jaehyun. Ask me anything. Literally anything.

I dreaded the interrogation on that blind date with Chanyeol a few years back but I’ll welcome it now.

That’s the thing about dating, I guess. You think you want something until you get it, so you have to rearrange your expectations. Then you find out the one bit you assumed you didn’t want is the one thing that makes it all fall into place for you.

I’m not trying to be big and philosophical. I need this man to _talk to me_. He can read the dictionary. He can give me step-by-step instructions on preparing an airplane for take off. He can say anything right now and I’d be satisfied.

But he’s not going to say anything is he?

I check my phone. Ten minutes have passed.

Taeyong suggested I pick a familiar, public space like the food court in the department store in our neighborhood or one of the family restaurants near the school but I purposefully chose a shop far from school and far from home, way off my usual commute route, so that if the date goes shitty, I can run off on the guy. Ghost him. Never come this way again and significantly reduce the chances of randomly running into his ass while out grocery shopping or doing errands or something.

The barista approaches the table and sets down the small, ceramic plate with my slice of white cake on it. I thank them and the barista’s barely turned around to walk away before I’m grabbing my fork and digging in.

Oooh. Yes. Nice. The cake is wonderfully moist. The icing isn’t too sweet. Vanilla and buttercream coat my tastebuds.

It’s a good cake.

Taeil makes good cakes. But that’s literally his job, so does that count? Yeah. It counts.

Taeil makes good cakes but this is a _good cake_.

Back in high school, Taeil was my wingman. We had a procedure for dates like this. If he was seeing some girl or if I was seeing some guy, the other would come into the restaurant or cafe or museum or whatever five minutes later. We had signals almost like sign language. If the date is going well, we’d signal to each other to keep some distance. If the date is taking a nosedive, we’d signal each other for a hasty rescue. Usually a ‘Oh hey, I didn’t expect to run into you here!’ would work.

Nowadays, Taeil’s spending all of his time being a happily married man with a successful career and a second baby on the way.

The only man who can be my wingman now is Taeyong.

And let’s just say I don’t trust Taeyong enough to give him that duty. I mean, I do. But… I don’t.

Shit. Now I’ve got this song stuck in my head. I can remember the hook but I can’t for the life of me remember enough of the lyrics to think of what the song is called. 

It’s that song my students always play before class. Someone’s always got their Bluetooth speaker in their bag.

A few of my students have even come up with a dance for it. Or does the song already have a dance? 

If it already has a dance, is it an idol group song? If that’s the case, the song could be anything. I stopped being able to keep track of those groups ages ago.

Speaking of ages, I nearly aged myself another ten years this morning. I put hydrocortisone on my toothbrush instead of toothpaste because the tubes have the same color scheme and I can barely see without my glasses.

This is what I get for ‘cleaning’ and ‘rearranging’ my bathroom.

I’m no Marie Kondo. I should just let the clutter pile up.

I check my phone to make sure it hasn’t died on me (12%) and take it off of silent so that if it _does_ ring, even with some voice phishing spam, I can finally have an excuse to dip out on this trash first date.

Dammit! I can’t remember the name of that song for real! It’s going to worry me to death until I can fucking remember it. What sucks is that I legit can only think of the _la la la la la_ part in the chorus!

God, this sucks.

I scoop up another bite of cake. This time, I take my time chewing it. Savoring it. Appreciating it. It tastes even better the second time around. The flavors get the chance to settle on my tongue before I swallow.

Wait. Is the song the kids play in class something different? I bet it’s some American song. That must mean Baekhyun plays the song I’m thinking of at the house. It’s kind of upbeat and electronic. He likes that stuff.

Or maybe I hear it after class lets out when Taeyong’s blasting tunes in the second floor studio in the main school building. Taeyong likes listening to loud stuff when he’s working on one of those huge paintings of his where he splatters paint on the canvas with his brush and smears it around with his hands, steps back and mutters the word ‘erotica’ like it _means something_ , paint dripping from his fingers.

Yeah. That’s gotta be it. That tidbit of the song I can recall gives me Taeyong vibes. I can’t think of the exact lyrics but they’re moody and a touch depressing. I just know it. So yeah. Definitely a Taeyong song.

Hmmm. What kind of songs would Jaehyun like? What would fit his vibe? I bet I can make a whole playlist.

I look across the table at him and then startle because Jaehyun’s already looking at me. I get the feeling that he’s been watching me a while. We hold eye contact, but not for long. He doesn’t seem to be avoiding my gaze, exactly, but his attention does seem to naturally drift towards and away from me. Like the tide. Like I’m another potted plant lined up against the wall behind me. He makes me want to do what Doyoung did to me back then. Just lean towards him, up in his personal space, so that my face is always in front of his face and he’s got nowhere to look except at me. Ugh. Is that really how Doyoung felt? Like I was avoiding his gaze? It’s one of those endless cycles. One of those chicken first or egg first situations because I kept trying to avoid looking at Doyoung because he _kept_ leaning into my face. It was like an act of aggression. An assertion of dominance. It tripped me out and I couldn’t decide if I wanted to karate chop him in the throat or lay down on the floor in submission like our date was a wildlife documentary.

Yikes, my love life sucks. I can’t believe I’m only now acknowledging that. It’s a whole lot of first dates but absolutely nothing else. I really am a fucking nerd.

Taeyong’s a _weirdo_ but he somehow gets more action than I do!

Is he still partnering with that stage name Kai dude? That super hot model he claimed was his muse?

Gosh, he was all Taeyong drew. Filling up sketchbook after sketchbook. Covering canvas after canvas. Eye studies. Ear studies. Mouth studies. Hand studies. Feet studies. Taeyong was legitimately obsessed with the man’s physicality and drew him in painstaking, loving detail. Painted him like one of those French girls. Pages and pages and pages full of graphite lines and ink stains and marker smears and colored pencil streaks and watercolor splashes. Just Kai Kai Kai Kai Kai. Often with more clarity than a damn photograph because that’s how good Taeyong is. I’ve only seen the model (and I mean he was an actual fashion model) a handful of times in person but I’ve definitely seen more of his body than I kind of want to. To the point where it feels like I have too much intimate knowledge of his form. That’s how Taeyong is, though, when he latches on to a new subject. 

Just artistic, tasteful nudes. Everywhere. All of the time. All. Of. The. Time.

It’s not even a pornographic thing. Taeyong genuinely loves the human body as an artform. He genuinely loves his own body, his own skin, his own frame. He doesn’t even see it as a sexual, desirable object. He sees the body as a thing to be documented and appreciated.

I respect that.

Now that I think about it, I haven’t seen Kai around in a while. He used to drop by the school quite often with that neon green visitor’s lanyard around his neck. It was under the guise of some collaboration between our school and some over-the-summer fashion design camp but it wasn’t a secret that Kai’s main objective was visiting Taeyong. ...but he hasn’t come around lately. Perhaps he and Taeyong parted ways? I wouldn’t really call it a ‘break up’ because I don’t truly believe they were dating in the romantic sense. Still, Kai doesn’t drop by anymore. That may very well explain why Taeyong stopped creating portraits of him and is now trying to be the next Jackson Pollock with his brand new obsession with abstract, expressionist art.

God, I _really_ can’t remember the name of that song! 

Knowing my luck, I’ll hear it on the radio during my drive home while flipping channels but only catch the tail end of it. Not nearly enough of it to Shazam it. I bet if I stop thinking about it, it’ll come to me but… I can’t stop thinking about it. I CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT! What is the name of that song! I’m sure a girl sings it. She has such a pretty voice so why can’t I remember what the song is? At least I can remember the bass line now. How the instrumental builds up in the bridge.

Oh right. I was trying to figure out what kind of songs Jaehyun would like. 

Let me look at him again.

His clothes aren’t really distinctive enough to clue me in to anything he might be into. I mean, he’s not like some of my students who wear band t-shirts under their school button-downs or slip idol photo cards into the clear cases of their phones. Maybe he’s an R&B guy. Or maybe he’s into some spicy dancehall. I bet he plays the acoustic guitar. Or defies expectations and listens to some intense hip-hop. You really can’t tell these days. But I’ll put money on the fact that Jaehyun listens to prog rock.

I check my phone and sigh as I realize I’ve sat in silence with this Jaehyun dude for fifteen minutes now. 

I unlock my phone.

No notifications.

Wow. 

None at all. Not even from a curious Taeyong wondering how the date is going. 

He knows it’s today. How can he not be interested? He was the one who set this up!

Well, there’s some ‘Log in now for free currency’ notification from a game I play but not a single text from anyone I know. I glance up at Jaehyun. He’s staring at the wall towards the back of the shop as if there’s infinite items of interest in the layers of textured, seafoam green paint and tacky wood wainscotting. I pick up my phone and send out a series of texts. 

‘Plans for today?’ I send to Taeyong. ‘Is the art supply store having another sale?’ I will _gladly_ carry all of his purchases and goad him into splurging on a few more Copics. ‘I’ll buy lunch.’

It’s a tempting offer. Taeyong reads it but doesn’t take it. I pull up the next contact.

‘Are you out of church yet?’ I send to Baekhyun, my housemate. ‘I can grab some takeout for dinner on the way home.’ The fastest way to get a response from that man is to bring up Jesus or fried chicken.

The text sits there in the digital ether. Half a minute passes and Baekhyun doesn’t even _read it_.

Grasping at straws, I text Jaemin, my younger cousin. ‘Does your mom know you still go to the mall to steal?’

Something scathing and out of left field (and also true) will rile him up. Perhaps he’ll even call me up to whine and pout and claim he’ll spend what little allowance he still gets to treat me to a meal in order to keep me from spilling the beans to his overbearing parents.

When even _that_ gets me no response, I truly pull something out of my ass and text Jisung, one of my students. The tennis ace. ‘Don’t practice too hard. You still have exams starting tomorrow!’ 

Like lining bait on multiple fish hooks, I just need _someone_ to start nibbling. I need someone to suddenly have an emergency (or even a mild concern at this point) so that I can force out an apology and leave this shit date in a hurry, block Jaehyun’s number and go to work tomorrow to spend another day quietly crushing on Qian Kun, the language arts teacher who started his tenure not even six weeks ago. Yes. The same Kun who introduced himself to me by showing off all of the photos he took of his wife while they were on their honeymoon in Hangzhou. Yup. _That_ Kun.

God, that’s pathetic.

Not the honeymoon thing. That’s beautiful. Love that for them. The bit where I’m crushing on him is the pitiful part. The pathetic part.

Yikes. That’s legitimately sad.

I need a life.

Right. Needing a life is why Taeyong insisted on setting me up.

Everything makes sense now. Good.

I text Taeyong again. ‘Save me.’ Perhaps the lack of context will spur some urgency in his response?

Giving up. I sit my phone on the table next to my half-empty glass of iced coffee.

The situation hasn’t changed too much. Jaehyun doesn’t seem visibly bothered by me being more interested in my phone than in him. And he still doesn’t seem particularly interested in starting up a convo with me. In fact, he’s got his mouth wide open in a yawn. It stretches on and on for a few seconds and he seems completely unbothered by the way it distorts his mouth and skews his face. Finally, he shuts his mouth and relaxes back onto the chair, blinking like he’s snapping himself out of a dream.

Is he bored as well? Or is he naturally tired?

My stomach growls.

It dawns on me that this cake is the first thing I’ve had to eat all day. I never got around to breakfast. Didn’t have the time. Woke up too early, went back to sleep, then woke up again like four hours later with absolutely no time to do _anything_ but get ready for this date and rush out of the house.

As far as breakfast goes, though, cake isn’t the weirdest thing to have for it. Especially a good cake like this. It’s so decadent and flavorful without knocking me off my feet with a harsh aftertaste. Even the icing is soft, whipped to perfection yet not overwhelming. I think I taste a hint of lemon. It’s successfully cancelling out the sugary sweetness. I wonder if the cafe sells these things whole? Like, not just in slices? I should take one of these bad boys home. Let Baekhyun have a slice and see how he likes it. Or, better yet, call up Taeil and make him have a moral crisis.

It’s some damn good cake. I’m still hungry and the treat isn’t filling at all but it’s good and that’s what matters.

Taeyong needs to text me back. I was serious about making lunch plans.

What did Jaehyun have for breakfast? A protein shake?

You know what else has a bad aftertaste? Chanel No. 5. No. Not aftertaste. After _smell_? No. It doesn’t even come after. Soon as you spritz that perfume, it stinks. Some classics need to die.

How did I get to this topic? What was I even thinking about?

It’s because this silence has dragged on too long. I feel like I’m breaking down.

Yeah. I should stop this ridiculousness and be the one to speak first.

But I’ll wait. A little bit more. I need to see how long he’ll make this last.

My throat’s been feeling kind of dry and scratchy and tight since yesterday. I’m not coughing or anything yet but I hope I’m not getting sick. I can’t handle getting sick this week. Administering the exams is tough enough so trying to do it while I’m coming down with something will be next to impossible. At the least, I’ll distract my students. At the most, I’ll gross them out.

God. If they catch something from me, those helicopter parents will _swarm_ me. No, they will legitimately gang up on me. Get the school director involved. Make a big enough fuss until an official Parent/Teacher Association meeting is scheduled. They’ve done it before. Picky parents will cause a stir over anything. Assigning too much homework. Assigning too little homework. Being too strict about assignment deadlines and requirements. Being too lax about assignment deadlines and requirements. Showing favoritism. (Not showing favoritism.) If they feel even slightly wronged, they’ll be waiting for me in the faculty office when school lets out. Hell, some of them will come during the school day, make the director page me to her office and then chew me out for irresponsibly leaving the classroom in the middle of a lesson.

Yangyang. 

I’m talking about Yangyang’s parents specifically. They’ve got some money and they donate some of that money to the school so they are under the incorrect assumption that what they say goes.

There has _got_ to be medication misuse involved.

Sorry Yangyang. But also, not sorry Yangyang.

If I could tell them how I really feel about their parenting techniques without risking my job…

I kinda don’t want kids. 

What if I turn into a fussy helicopter parent and create a perpetually stressed out, attention-seeking, instant gratification-addicted spoiled brat of a child like Yangyang? Or… what if I become an emotionally distant, overbearingly strict, rule-obsessed parent whose child goes full juvenile delinquent like Jaemin?

I just want to be a good person, yo. And I just want my child to be a good person.

Hmmm. What kind of child was Jaehyun? Was he super competitive? Was he loud and boisterous and popular? Was he at the top of his class and made his classmates envious of his looks and smarts?

Nah. He was probably super quiet and shy and a touch creepy because he didn’t say _anything_ to anyone.

Because, goodness, that’s the only impression of him I have right now.

I could save us both this severe agony and start the convo myself. 

But what would I even talk about? What would I even say? Thanks to Taeyong, most of the small talk topics have been covered for me. Jaehyun teaches P.E. I started my career knowing that I wanted to get into education. Jaehyun pivoted into it when his sports medicine education was derailed by a death in his family and he took a semester or two off.

Goddammit. WHAT IS THE NAME OF THAT SONG? 

It’s still bugging me. 

I won’t be able to _rest_ until I figure out what it is and then go listen to it a couple dozen times. 

Why can’t it get stuck in my head as a complete thing? Why is there only a single, looping fragment lodged in my brain? I can almost sing it! How does that verse go? For real. I won’t be able to sleep tonight until it hits me.

Did Baekhyun fix the downstairs toilet? He said he’s good with tools but, as long as I’ve known him, I’ve never seen him take a pair of pliers or a wrench to anything. Oh yeah. There’s a mold problem we should get the landlord to take care of. A problem more than likely caused by Baekhyun’s sauna-hot showers. All the humidity that creates.

They say bleach works but it keeps coming back.

But yeah. Back to Jaehyun. I swear.

What would he and I even talk about? Our lesson plans? No. We couldn’t even do that. I don’t teach physical education. Gosh, if Taeyong was gonna set me up with a teacher, he at least could have given me another academic. Maybe someone who teaches chemistry or biology. I’ve always admired science. The only P.E. thing I know is tennis. And the only tennis player I’m familiar with is Jisung and he’s only just now making _local_ newspaper headlines so it’s not like I can bring up anyone famous that Jaehyun would know of.

Okay, so… What else can I say? What else can he and I discuss?

I could go out on a limb and try to start the conversation but what if he doesn’t take the chance? What if he ignores me? Well, he’ll at least acknowledge me but what if he gives me a one-sentence answer? 

Then we’ll be right back at square one. One waiting for the other to speak first. Except then, I’ll be waiting for him to ask a question and he’ll be waiting for me to ask a follow-up question which means neither of us will be asking any questions.

Maybe I’ll take a cue from my date with Ten a few weeks back and only talk about myself. Without pause. I’ll tell Jaehyun everything. My favorite style of architecture? (Modern Scandinavian.) My favorite cookie flavor? (Snickerdoodle.) My favorite brand of chip? (Classic Lay’s.) The kind of body lotion I use? (Anything with a coconut scent.) The kind of cologne I prefer? (Tommy Bahama’s Maritime.)

No. But really. What can we talk about? What can Jaehyun and I _discuss_?

Art history? Economics? Family history? 

The options are limitless which means they are limited because the more options there are, the harder it is to pick one that’ll work.

I could ask him questions about his teaching methods… Or get a rundown of his exercise routine. (I mean, he’s in great shape.) I can ask him if he’s into pilates. Does he like boxers or briefs? Does he prefer the left side of the bed or the right side? Does he sleep on his back or on his stomach? How does he like his eggs cooked in the morning?

Jokes aside, I’m curious to know why he allegedly wanted to go out on a date with me so bad. What does he expect out of this?

Are we trying to get married or only attempting to hook up? 

Which would I prefer? 

No. Really. Which would I like better? A hookup or a love partner?

Both options have good points and bad points.

Baekhyun has a tendency to be nosy and ask embarrassing questions and _hover_ . I don’t know if I want to try to bring Jaehyun home to that kind of nonsense so it would be best to hit up a hotel if we’re going to do anything. Then again, I’m attracted to Jaehyun but not _attracted_ to him. He’s so handsome that he’s plain? Does that make sense? Like… he’s so good-looking that he’s just average. But not even considering looks, I’m just not into him. I mean, I am. But I’m not. I want to be but I can’t. You know, after all of our minutes of riveting conversation, I just don’t think we’ll be compatible. He was hot fifteen minutes ago but not now. Not so much. Maybe we could set up some platonic living arrangements. Like, Baekhyun and I have been living together for years now and we’re both getting to that age where we probably should be owning our own houses. Being as loud as we want, not needing to blast some jazz music to cover up the noise when we have company over. There’s quite a bit of merit in having our own space. Baekhyun and I should be thinking of having mortgages, getting married, starting families, establishing generational wealth. Baekhyun’s still dating Taeyeon, I think. He doesn’t talk about her with me as much as he used to but I don’t think they’ve broken up. He still carries her photo in his wallet. Yeah. Baekhyun and Taeyeon should get married and then I should date someone and get married and buy a house with them.

Could I marry Jaehyun? What am I kidding. It’s barely been one date. But _could_ I marry him? Maybe just for tax purposes?

But marriage is kinda scary. Kind of major.

Isn’t that why I got freaked out about that blind date with Chanyeol all those years ago? He literally proposed to me before we were even served dessert. I thought he was joking because of how casually he’d slid it into the conversation. I had laughed in his face. Told him marriage was stupid. Only for him to tell me that he was dead serious. He pulled a ring in a box out of his coat pocket and everything. He was willing to marry a near-stranger if it meant getting out of an arranged marriage set up by his folks. At the time, I didn’t believe arranged marriages were even still a thing like that but, apparently, if you come from old enough money, the only kind of marriage is an arranged marriage.

Nah, I can’t get married. 

Maybe when I’m making a little more money but... not now. A few more years and I can gun for an administrative position on the school board.

Or something.

_Then_ I can get married.

I don’t even know what I want to talk to Jaehyun about because I’m not even sure I’m interested enough in him to _want_ a conversation out of him.

Like, he’s cool and all but I don’t even remember what his voice sounds like. He’s sitting right in front of me and I don’t know what he sounds like when he talks! Because he DOESN’T TALK!

How can I possibly want anything more out of him? 

But I should at least try, right? Make an effort. This is like one of Hercules’s labors or something.

I should be the one to say something first, but…

But.

I don’t want to talk about teaching or school or promising student athletes. I just want to know why Jaehyun’s interested in me. Why he sought out Taeyong just for a date with me. What made him spot me on the bleachers and want to speak to me? Only to waste both of our time reared back in his seat, chewing on his tongue like he wants it to be a stick of gum instead.

Is Chanyeol still single? It’s been a few years. Will he remember that he proposed to me on our first date? I’ll gladly accept that proposal now and help him piss off his parents and defy social norms. 

I need some drama in my life. Some excitement. A little _razzle dazzle_.

But what if, like that television drama I watched in the summer, that marriage thing with Chanyeol was all mental? All psychological? What if he wasn’t actually seeking marriage but just pretending to?

I kinda want to risk it, though.

How would I even get in touch with him now? Is his number the same? Do I still have it saved? 

That whole thing was back in my grad school days so… Min… Min… What was his name? Min… Minseok! Minseok would know Chanyeol’s info. Right? Do I still have Minseok’s number? Is it still the same? God. It’s been _years_. 

I mean, Chanyeol had to be at least a little serious with his proposal. He said he was serious but sometimes you have to research these things yourself, you know. 

I looked him up after that disaster of a date. He’s like a legitimate conglomerate heir. I found a family photo on the company website where Chanyeol stands out like the black sheep he is with his DYED. PINK. HAIR.

He looked good then. Maybe he still looks good now.

Damn. I really should try to get in touch with him, though. Just to make sure he’s okay. He seemed to be going through it back in the day.

My renewed interest is not at all fueled by some existential dread that my life and all I’ve accomplished will matter significantly less if I remain unmarried through my thirties. Nope. That’s got nothing to do with it. At all.

And it’s definitely got absolutely nothing to do with my brand new goal of marrying rich. Nope.

I can try to send him a text.

Worst case scenario, his number has changed and I’ll text some random grandma who barely knows how to operate her phone.

I lean forward in my seat only to remember Jaehyun is still right in front of me. He’s also leaning forward in his seat. Hand on the table. Mouth scrunched up in deep thought.

We’re sitting across from each other but this is the closest we’ve physically been in the last twenty-something minutes.

I can hear the slow inhale-exhale of his breaths. I can smell his aftershave, strong and hypermasculine and unforgiving. I can feel the heat of his body. See the unsure way he blinks and looks up at me, mutually surprised by our sudden proximity.

Should I… touch him? Is that something I should try? Would he even _let_ me?

I could press my foot against his foot beneath the table. I could lay my hand down on top of his hand. Run my thumb across his knuckles.

Would he immediately pull away? Would he laugh, play it off and pry his hand loose from my grip?

Or will he let me hold on? Will he finally muster up the nerve to _speak_?

But that wouldn’t be fair, would it? 

Touching him like that, I mean. It wouldn’t be fair.

Like entering a game breaking cheat code.

I’d just be doing something to get a reaction out of him as opposed to expressing my actual desires. 

I’d be reaching out for him just to make him _respond_ to me as some sort of ego boost or whatever the fuck. I’d be giving him false hope. Purposefully sending the wrong message.

Okay. Let me think about this. Okay. 

Would it be equally as twisted if I put my hand down on the table and hope Jaehyun takes the initiative and puts his hand over mine? 

...but if he can’t initiate conversation, could he even initiate physical contact?

What am I even on? 

We haven’t spoken to each other. What makes me think we’ve reached a point where we can just casually _hold hands_?

Another bored groan escapes me and I roll my eyes up to the ceiling before shifting in my chair so that I’m not directly facing Jaehyun anymore. If I more aggressively display my annoyance, there’s a chance he’ll try a little harder to appease me.

A real slim chance.

Perhaps I should point out his flaws? 

Would that make sitting through this nightmare easier to deal with?

Yeah, I should point out his flaws.

When I look over at him, he’s got his cup in his hands, sucking down the last of his iced coffee.

That gives me another chance to look him over.

His teeth are oddly shaped.

Umm. His neck is really wide around. Like a tree trunk.

His cheekbones sit kind of weird.

He keeps pulling back the corners of his mouth and making this random, soft _huhuhuh_ sound which might be a laugh but if it is, what is he laughing at? It certainly can’t be me. I’m not doing anything.

He doesn’t have much of a top lip. It kinda vanishes every time he grins. Would Jaehyun even be fun to kiss? Wait… does not having a top lip negatively affect your kissing ability? Should I Google that? Nah. I don’t need that kind of thing in my search history.

I could incognito it, though. Because I’m positive ‘lip thickness’ won’t give me the exact search results I’m thinking of.

I realize I’m leaning way, way forward across the table again as I scrutinize him. I’m probably making it weirdly obvious that I’m assessing him like a cut of expensive Korean beef at the butcher’s shop. 

I play it cool by scooping up another forkful of cake and biting into it. Then I lean back in my seat and chew.

Jaehyun’s nose has kind of a funky shape. 

(I’m grasping at straws here.)

His nails aren’t dirty, but they are uneven and one of them is chipped like he doesn’t trim them very often. His cuticles are wrecked to all hell.

To teach P.E., he sure does have a high number of piercings in his ears. Isn’t that dangerous? What if an earring gets snatched out or something? Wouldn’t he wreck his lobes?

Now that I’m paying closer attention, his palms have quite a few cuts and blisters on them. Probably from exercising or training. I forgot to ask Taeyong what sport Jaehyun played. You’d only get cuts like that from holding something. So does he play baseball? Does he pole vault? Play volleyball or… goddammit, _tennis_? Fuck. Maybe he’s a gymnast or something and the blisters come from the uneven bars? 

What else can he earn a lot of trophies in? Biking? Can you get trophies from rock climbing? Maybe he’s a boxer.

I sigh. More out of defeat than boredom.

My plan to make him uninteresting isn’t really working. I’m actually making myself more curious about him, which is the exact opposite of what needs to happen here. 

Perhaps if he actually _spoke_ , I could start roasting his personality.

He could have shit taste in movies. Shit taste in music! An annoying vocal tic. Maybe he’s a health nut who will lecture me the second he finds out I’m a beef connoisseur. He could speak three languages and be super pretentious about it because I can only speak one. He could have conservative political views or possess controversial beliefs about what counts as basic human rights. I wouldn’t know. I have nothing to go off of! He hasn’t even tried to nervously laugh his way through a ‘Great weather we’re having, huh?’ or ‘Wow, this place is nice. Thanks for suggesting it.’

I tap my phone screen. We’ve sat in silence for thirty minutes now. 

Thirty. THIRTY.

I don’t know what kind of person Jaehyun is but he _has_ to be a psycho. He has to be doing this on purpose. He’s probably sitting over there absolutely shaking with sadistic delight every time he watches me squirm beneath the silence. Like… He can’t actually think any of this is fun. I refuse to believe that he thinks this is going well. God. But what if he does? What if he’s having the time of his life? What if this is the best first date he’s ever been on? He’ll probably try to kiss me while we’re on our way out the cafe door. He’ll lean towards my ear and he will tell me he had a good time and that he wants to see me again. Ugh. What if he tries to walk me to my car or something? I had to park down the block because there were no spots left on the side of the street when I got here. Ugh. I want to evaporate. I’m sick of this. I feel like I’m about to lose my mind. There’s no way I can keep doing this. I’m at my wit’s end. I can’t keep sitting here.

Even though the cake is good.

Yes. The cake is excellent. Fucking amazing. I shovel another forkful into my mouth. And then another. The bite is like eighty percent icing but that’s cool. It’s not sweet. It’s like biting into a thick, creamy cloud. 

I don’t think Taeil can make cakes as good as this.

Then again, Taeil doesn’t _make_ cakes. I mean, he does… but he doesn’t. He drunkenly confessed to me in our college days that all of the cakes he’s got on display in his bakery are from boxed mixes. He just decorates the _fuck_ out of them and his customers don’t ask questions.

This cake I’m eating now is _good_. Real. Thick. Satisfying. I moan by absolute accident but I don’t even think Jaehyun hears me.

What if he thinks I’m a pig because of the way I’m devouring this cake?

I drop my fork back on the plate with a clatter.

The best course of action is to cram the last half of cake in my mouth and then leave, so I don’t know why that’s not the very thing I’m trying to do right now. I don’t know why some masochistic part of me still wants to hold out and see if Jaehyun will break the silence first. Should I make a bet with the universe? If--

What is _wrong_ with me? If I should chill out...

But like.

I can sit in this kind of quiet with Taeyong. Well, he’s my colleague and we’ve spent the past three or four years sitting at our neighboring desks in the overcrowded faculty office communicating nonverbally and making faces at each other to pass the time while our high school’s chief director stands at the front of the room and drones on and on during every single morning meeting with her abysmal, monotone voice.

I can sit in silence with Baekhyun but that’s because he’s my housemate and we’ve known each other since we were little kids and so we’ve spent the last twenty years or so talking about anything and everything and now we’ve finally gotten to the point in our friendship where we can communicate by fucking blinking at each other. Not _really_ but that’s how it feels sometimes.

I can sit in silence with Jaemin but he’s my cousin (from the estranged side of the family, but still!) and he’s going through _a phase_ and he’s kind of clingy and once he starts talking he does not stop talking so I do my best not to say anything so that he won’t say anything which only works like half of the time but it is still an effective strategy.

But this guy… This Jaehyun guy... Sitting in silence with him isn’t some testament to how far we’ve advanced in our relationship. 

The quiet between us is simply torture. 

Cruel and unusual.

Like listening to Jaemin’s ‘mixtapes.’

Shit.

Poor guy wants to be a rapper so bad. Uploads his shit to Soundcloud. Throws everything up there. Even unfinished drafts. He makes me listen to everything he creates. Makes me critique him. And I can only tell him that everything needs ‘polish’ because… it does. Jaemin doesn’t really have the vocal tone to carry a rap song. He carries no sense of rhythm in his delivery, can only actually ride the beat for a measure or two and his lyrics always sound written by someone half his age. It’s a shame because whoever he’s buying his beats from is talented but… Jaemin just squanders it with his staccato talk rapping.

Don’t tell him I said that.

No. Tell him I said that. Even if it destroys our relationship and separates our sides of the family even more.

Speaking of which, it’s so rare for friendships to last for years. For decades. To stand the test of time and the changes in life stages. Like, I can’t believe I’ve known Baekhyun almost my whole life, since we were toddlers, and we still get along to this day. We still talk and laugh and have a special handshake and share secrets and make sandwiches for each other like we’re no older than five years old. It’s a miracle that we live together without aggravating each other and resorting to petty property damage as revenge.

I’ve been friends with Taeil for ages too. Since college. Not grad school but _college_. So that means since… Oof, I’m not counting the years. 

Here I am talking shit about Jaehyun’s raggedy nails when mine also look a little rough.

I splay the fingers of my right hand out across the table and stare at my nails. There’s a long, borderline uncomfortable hangnail on one finger. It hurts but I can’t resist touching it and irritating it. And there’s some unfamiliar purplish color on the skin beneath my pinky nail. I must have crushed it somehow. Banged it really hard against something without realizing. It had to have happened while I was out today because I would have noticed something like that in the shower. I press on the nail. It doesn’t hurt but the sensation of pressing down on it feels numbed down. Lessened. That color can only come from bleeding, right? And it’s _under my nails_ so it’s not like I can wash it off.

Hope it’s nothing serious.

Should I get into wearing rings? Nothing too gaudy or flashy. No Louis Vuitton or anything. Just some simple silver bands. I don’t particularly care for rings because they get in the way while writing and typing but I feel like I’m missing a little something-something now that I’m aware of how little I accessorize.

I should buy Jaemin a MIDI keyboard. You know… support his music-making career. He’s been going through a lot.

Wait. I thought I had stopped eating the cake?

Why is the fork in my hand?

Why is all of the cake gone?

Why can I only taste icing?

As if the damn thing is invisible, I scrape my fork over the plate looking for the cake. 

There’s hardly any crumbs left! 

Yup. The cake’s gone. Apparently I ate it. Don’t even remember how or when but when I lick my lips, the icing’s there on my tongue.

That’s a little disappointing. 

I was looking forward to eating the last little bit of the cake but I ate it already and can’t even recall it.

I drop the fork onto my plate and huff my frustration. The cake was the one thing getting me through this and now it is sitting in my stomach getting digested.

Shit, WHAT IS THE NAME OF THAT SONG? What little of it I remember has been on loop in my head for who knows how long. I can’t bring more pieces to the front of my head. I can only dredge up the _la la la la_ part and, like, one of the instruments that plays in the background.

Wait. Do I have one of Jaemin’s songs stuck in my head?

I thought a girl sang it but maybe it’s Jaemin’s nasally voice I’m thinking of. I think it’s one of his more recent things. Probably something he played for me the other day when I had to fetch him from the other side of town because he’d gotten drunk with peeps from his school in the middle of the afternoon and he knew his parents would destroy him if they caught wind of it which was why he called me crying his eyes out.

God.

What if I really got his song stuck in my head? And what if I _tell_ him that?

He’ll never stop talking about it.

He’ll make me listen to more of his stuff.

I’m still hungry. Cake isn’t exactly filling.

I could order another slice of cake but what I had was pretty big and ordering another seems gluttonous. Especially on a first date. Especially without offering to share. And I really don’t want to stay here much longer, even to eat cake. I should get up and leave for real now. Maybe drop one of those ‘gotta go to the bathroom’ lines and then just sneak out the door and leave Jaehyun here.

But what if he’s deaf or mute or something and this long, extended silence is justified?

Nah. Can’t be right.

Taeyong would tell me something like that, right? _Jaehyun_ would tell me something like that, right?

But… no… He can speak because he introduced himself when he first sat down across from me.

Why hasn’t Taeyong texted me back yet? He can’t possibly be busy.

Baekhyun should have texted me back by now as well. Church doesn’t let out _this_ late. And how can he possibly turn down an offer of free food? 

Even Jaemin hasn’t texted me back but that’s a bit more understandable because knowing his rebellious spirit, he could literally be anywhere doing anything with anyone. Maybe not something entirely illegal but most certainly something morally ambiguous.

Perhaps I should text Taeil. We haven’t hung out all month. It’s about to be November so he’s been swamped with commissions for baby shower cakes. You know… for all the babies conceived on Valentine’s day. But knowing Taeil, he’d want to go out drinking and I can’t do that. Not tonight. Not when I need to proctor exams first thing in the morning.

Holy shit.

What was that sound?

Low and raspy and consisting of at least three syllables?

Did Jaehyun just _say something_?

I can’t believe I missed it. I can’t believe I wasn’t paying attention!

The noise I just heard. It was definitely a sound caused by the vibration of his vocal chords but what did he say?

I look up at him. Surprised. Interested. A little furious, actually, because--what the fuck?--we could have made this kind of progress half an hour ago! But… 

I must have been mistaken.

I think all Jaehyun did was snort back a laugh. Or maybe mumble ‘that’s funny.’

He’s holding his phone, staring intently at the screen. Grinning like he’s scrolled past a good meme.

Should I ask him what he saw? Is he one of those people who’ll show me what he’s looking at but only after he over explains the comedy like I’ve never seen a reaction pic before? (Jaemin.) Or is he the type to huff out a ‘no’ and keep scrolling? (Jisung.)

I could ask.

I _should_ ask.

But… I’ve gotten so numb to the agonizing silence that I no longer even want to break it.

Conversation would be destructive at this point. I’d lose more than I’d gain after forty-five minutes of quiet.

Jaehyun’s phone rings while he’s holding it. I expected a catchy pop song but it’s just the default ringtone. The annoying, almost shrill piano one. Jaehyun doesn’t look apologetic about the interruption. He doesn’t even look at me with a courteous ‘can I take this?’ eyebrow raise. He just swipes his thumb across the screen to pick up the call and lifts the device to his ear.

He speaks. With no trouble at all, he speaks.

His voice is lovely and low and melodious like a harpsichord or something.

He doesn’t talk much. (‘Yeah, it’s me.’ ‘Yeah.’ ‘No, you don’t have to. I was--’ ‘You sure?’ ‘No. It’s not a problem. I was going to do it myself later.’ ‘Okay.’ ‘Yeah, sure. Yeah. Gotcha.’ ‘Okay. Thanks again. Okay. Bye.’) He doesn’t reveal much about who he is talking to or what he’s talking to them about but the ease and eagerness with which he speaks and grins to this person who isn’t me…

I get jealous.

I want that. I want him to talk to me like that. I want him to smile at me. (He’s got a beautiful smile.) I want him to tell me about his hopes and dreams and fears and wishes and goals. I want to know everything.

So I suck in a breath. I get ready to _ask_ him.

But…

“Sorry, Johnny,” Jaehyun says smoothly. Unapologetically. “Something came up. It’s kind of urgent. I have to go.” He is already standing. Smoothing down the front of his black shirt with his spindly, pale fingers. “I’ll pay the bill on my way out so don’t worry. It was nice meeting you.” He turns to leave but at least he glances at me over his shoulder. At least he smiles at me. Then he turns away and walks up to the counter to talk animatedly with the barista. Like they’ve become instant friends.

I’m left speechless.

**Author's Note:**

> @[curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/TheSwingbyJHF)


End file.
